Privatissimus

This page is not expected to be read by other people.
This is just a memoir which I keep for myself. Not to forget. From fear that I forget.
It is a memoir with no date. They are the ashes of my memory which were left after I burned my diary.
It is like the soil that remained after the flood washed everything away.
It is the feeling which percolated through my body and into the air.

I had spent many joyful days, but recently it is the sadaness that controls my daily life.
I cannot sleep until one o'clock or two o'clock at night. And suddenly I wake up at four or five o'clock
in the morning. Because this is the time I used to wake up when when my wife was beside me. I had
to prepare for her toiletts. Now she is in a hospital. I do not have to wake up so early, but my brain
and body still remebers my habit.

In my dreams I assist my wife stolling in the woods, in town. But suddenly she disappears. I search for her everywhere,
but I cannot find her anymore. My sleep was abrupted again.

Remember
　My happy days are over.
　My wife fallen ill now I suffer.
　I sit beside her bed with a gentle whisper.
　To her ears I repeat my love forever.
　She gives me no response , but I repeat again.
　My voice and whisper are but not in vain.
　I know she hears my voice and feels my love.
　Because　she opens her eyes and glances above.
　Day by day her eyes glow weak.
　Her mouth slightly open but she cannot speak.
　How many times have I wept for her.
　How many times have I wiped my tears.
　Ryoko, my dearest, speak to me again.
　Let's confirm our tie which will never never wane.

The Day of Lacrimosa
　January the third 5 minutes after midnight she closed her eyes for ever.
　I held her hand in mine. She held my hand in hers. With her last strength she held me tight.
　But then she stopped to breathe.
　Long days of her fight with illness is over
　She can now rest in peace.
　My tears run endlessly down my cheek.
　So long, my dearest, so long,
　Till we meet again in heaven yonder.